This picture of me proves that I have hated taking pictures from go. Eyebrows say a lot. It’s a picture from around the same time in my life that I was struggling with a different issue – baby ballet. Circa 1978. I was 3 years old and not a huge fan of my mom leaving me. So, apparently I pitched a fit on the floor and refused to participate when my mom left me sobbing in the dance studio. I am sure the teacher convinced my mother that she had seen upset little girls many times and that I would soon settle down and accept my fate.

I did no such thing.

That is how I earned my new title, “Little Miss Pitch a Fit on the Floor.” Now, let’s totally disregard how awful a BABY ballet teacher has to be to refer to a 3 year old BABY in such a way. In today’s world that would have been a social media outrage, but in the 70s people didn’t have such an easily accessible platform. So there it was. I had been labeled. One of the first of many labels I’ve collected over the years. Luckily, I began talking in full sentences at a very early age so I was more than able to express to my parents that I was being ridiculed by this evil woman. Consequently, they never made me go back.

That is one of my earliest memories of feeling protected. Like with most parents protecting their children was, and still is, a natural behavior for my mom and dad. They always made me feel safe. My parents did everything in their power to give me anything I wanted. They also did whatever it took to help me avoid feeling uncomfortable in any way. If I wanted 15 Cabbage Patch Dolls or to quit dance class, stay home from school, quit a job, come home early from church camp, or whatever it may be, they made it happen. If they dared to hesitate – well… a little fit pitching would get them every time.

This was all working out great for me – until I reached adulthood. That is when I realized, to my dismay, that my parents were unable to “fix” some of the difficult situations I encountered. Try as they might some issues that arose were out of their hands. The torch was later passed when I met my husband. He began dealing with me in the same manner as my parents always have. The very moment I am upset about something he will quickly spring into action to do whatever it takes to fix me. If I need to turn on the waterworks (as he so lovingly calls it) I have absolutely no problem doing that. After the children came along and I found myself the lone girl in a house full of boys I knew it would be super easy to convince them with a few tears – and maybe a little chin tremble – to see things my way (hmm… manipulate much?).

Unfortunately, I now tend to equate someone loving me with bending to my will… And with great haste.

Even with my full team of willing participants ready to make my life perfect, there are still some things they simply cannot remedy… mean people, houses flooding, check engine lights, spilled coffee, Mondays – you know? Things like that. So, I think to myself, “Oh, it’s no problem though because my Heavenly Father is all powerful and He will rush to my aid and fix everything immediately. After all, He loves me even more than my family and friends, right”? Aww… isn’t that cute? I am laughing to myself as I type this and think about how naive that thought is.

So when God doesn’t immediately rectify each situation I’m not exactly pleased with I begin to doubt His love for me. I must not be His favorite. I must have done something really bad to make Him not like me. I must need to be a better person so I can earn His love.

Wait – the Bible clearly says in the verse that changed my life that there is nothing I can do to earn God’s love.

God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.

Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT)

I cannot earn the love of God. So now what? I have tried over and over to manipulate God Almighty by throwing fits, ugly crying, dramatically screaming, etc. None of these outbursts seem to convince Him that I need Him to hurry up and make it all better. According to His Word He clearly doesn’t hate me, no matter what it feels like, so I have to believe what I know to be true about Him. I cannot rely on what I see. I must believe that God loves me because the Bible tells me so. There is also tangible evidence all around, but in the middle of my hard times, it can be difficult to see. That is where faith needs to be applied.

Faith is the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.

Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

I have told myself this over and over – my feelings and my perspective do not change the truth. What I see can differ depending on the day. If I wake up feeling hopeful things don’t look so bad, but that can change if I dwell on the disappointments, setbacks, or whatever has not gone the way I had hoped.

So why doesn’t God just do everything in His power to make me perfectly happy like my parents, my husband, and everyone else that truly loves me? You know He CAN so He is CHOOSING not to. Is He just mean? Of course not. First of all, God owes me absolutely nothing. And furthermore He sent His only Son to die for me because I was a sinner that owed a debt I could not pay. That is not characteristic of someone “mean”. I realize that my family and friends working OT to make things perfect for me is actually extremely detrimental. At the time it is soothing, but in the end it has made life’s difficulties tough for me to handle. I know from the beginning, back in baby ballet, my parents should have made me tough it out. My miserable ballet teacher was actually right in her assessment of me – although her delivery was a bit harsh. I know my parents should have made me face the hard things that came up. They should have pushed me to push myself. They did the best they could though. I know why they handled me that way, and still do, which is the same for Jimmy. Partly because no one wants to listen to my Fit Throwing Extravaganza, but mostly because they want to take the pain away. It is hard to watch someone we love in pain. God is only able to do that because, in His infinite wisdom, He knows it is building something in us that cannot be built otherwise. He has a purpose.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

There have been many times that I have cried out, “How can God allow this to happen to me?” Well, let’s look at what He allowed to happen to Jesus. He watched His Son be tortured and crucified, and though He had the power to stop it, He chose not to because He knew there was no other way to have a relationship with His most favorite creation… Us. As Jesus faced the full knowledge of what He was about to endure He had to have faith also. That is why He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before his crucifixion.

Father, if You are willing please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine.

Luke 22:42 (NLT)

While Jesus was here on Earth, He offered prayers and pleadings to the One who could rescue Him from death. And God heard His prayers because of His deep reverence for God. Even though Jesus was God’s Son, He learned obedience from the things He suffered.

Hebrews 5:7-8 (NLT)

So, yeah… Jesus had to endure suffering and I am pretty sure whatever I am going through, although it may be heart wrenching to me, is not much compared to what Jesus went through both physically and mentally. Just because I cannot see why God is not “fixing” it all for me does not mean that it does not pain Him to see me hurting. It means that unlike my family, God is unable to be manipulated into “giving in” to me because He knows that suffering ultimately produces hope.

…we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.

Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)

He is strong enough to not appease me momentarily so that I am better off in the long run. He is allowing His plan for my life to unfold the way He purposed from the start – even if it involves me being uncomfortable. My pitching a fit on the floor does nothing to to alter His sovereign plans; it only hinders my growth.

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God, please forgive me for being a spoiled brat at times. Remind me to cling tightly to You when I face difficulties, trusting that You have my best interest at heart. Help me to endure suffering gracefully so that You may be glorified. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

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When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move, when You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through, when You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You, I will trust in You.

Lauren Daigle – Trust in You