struggle

God vs. The Unexpected

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May 11, 2023. The most terrifying day of our lives. Its not something I want to celebrate, however it’s definitely something to reflect back on. It’s been 2 years today and what followed were some of the darkest days we’ve ever been through. Never could we have imagined what would happen. There aren’t enough words to describe what we have been through. No one can understand and I would never want anyone to understand. I can’t even understand and I lived it. When the ambulance doors closed as I sat in my car watching so I could follow to the nearest hospital equipped to treat stroke patients I said out loud “This is life altering”. I had no idea how true that was. It was indeed life altering in the most horrifying ways.
I have been dreading this day knowing this milestone would fall on Mother’s Day. It’s a hard thing to process. I still haven’t accepted that my healthy 51 year old husband had a stroke. A brain stem stroke at that. The fact that he is still here 2 years later after a brain stem stroke followed by all the other mysterious undiagnosed episodes is an absolute miracle. Most people that have ischemic brain stem strokes don’t survive long enough to even make it to the hospital. But God. God still has a purpose for Jimmy’s life even though he’s lost so much of what he believes made him who he is; his talents: singing, playing the guitar and piano, drawing, painting, perfect penmanship, and teaching people in fun ways about the Word of God – all those talents are gone. We pray some of that will return, but if it doesn’t, he’s still alive and has a purpose. He is still brilliant and he is back at work running the IT Department at the hospital with strength and confidence. He does a good job at everything he is able to do. He’s still determined, positive, encouraging, hopeful and enthusiastic about our future which is so inspiring. It’s miraculous.
We’ve seen God use this event in so many ways for our good. I have stumbled and even crumbled many times in the past 2 years, but my God is a redeemer. He restores. He is always waiting for us to turn back to Him. He loves to bring beauty from ashes. I believe we have already seen that and the best is yet to come!
So many people have supported us during this difficult season. Way too many to name. We’ve experienced an incredible outpouring of love and we are so appreciative. We could never repay all the people that have worked and helped in so many ways showing the true love of Jesus to us as we were suffering and afraid.
So I was dreading today but now I’m simply grateful. Grateful Jimmy is not only alive, but living life. Grateful for God’s restoration. Grateful for God’s perfect plan even if it’s way different than mine. Grateful for my boys and all they’ve learned through this. Grateful to be their mom. Grateful for my beautiful granddaughter who is an absolute ray of sunshine in our lives even on the darkest days. It shows even the tiniest light shines brightly in the darkness. Grateful for healing, physical and emotional. Grateful for salvation in Christ alone.
Happy Mother’s Day with all my love, especially to my mother who I often take for granted but I never stop needing!🌷

P. S. May is Stroke Awareness Month. Know the signs and symptoms. It can happen to anyone at any age even with few to zero risk factors. Act F. A. S. T. (Facial drooping/numbness, Arms weakness/numbness, Speech slurring/difficulty speaking, and Time – acting quickly is crucial) It could mean the difference between life and death or recovery and not recovering.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
‭‭Romans 8:28

“so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting people may know there is none besides me. I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭45‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

April 11, 2024 – almost a year out and he was actively having debilitating episodes except for on this day! Thanks be to God for letting Jimmy attend and enjoy Caison’s and Madison’s gorgeous wedding 🤍🖤

Afflicted

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I haven’t written a blog post that could be published in a long time. I have been bitter. Bitter at life and God. Jimmy had a stroke on May 11, 2023 and it destroyed our lives as we knew them.

After the shock wore off I was ready to tackle the situation and do whatever I could to get Jimmy back to himself. That didn’t happen. My efforts were futile. It hurt. I was mad.

I eventually tried to renew my relationship with God. I looked back over journals and scriptures and declarations I had written down and that only made me more bitter. I had tried and look what happened! The unthinkable. The unimaginable. Why even try? Why put the work into a relationship with God when He allows such affliction?

I came across a journal entry I had made from probably 3-4 years ago. It started with how much I had always loved this verse:

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21

The thing is, the verse before says:

Though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. Isaiah 30:20

This is why we should never cherry pick verses. We need the full context to understand God’s Word. All the famous verses people like to refer to are often cherry picked. For example, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Yes that’s great and that’s a great verse, but in context, you’ll see that Paul was talking about the ability to overcome hardship and persecution as a Christian, not playing select baseball or dancing on a high school drill team. We have learned to minimize the Word of God applying it to insignificant or mundane daily life. We should always apply God’s Word to our daily lives, however, there is a fine line between using it and twisting it.

So anyway, back to affliction. No one wants to talk about that but it’s all over the Word of God. He speaks of using affliction in our lives multiple times. To name a few-

Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I keep your Word. Psalm 119:67

It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes. Psalm 119:71

He delivers the afflicted by their affliction and opens their ear by adversity. Job 36:15

But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish. Psalm 9:18

And this one doesn’t mention affliction specifically but pretty poignant when it says,

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again from the depths of the Earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. Psalm 71:20-21

These are some verses that most won’t bring up but, affliction is part of life and we need to know that BEFORE it strikes us so we’re prepared to lean on Jesus during our affliction as “we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose”. Romans 8:28

I know I need Jesus. I can’t do life without the Author of it. I want to draw close to God so He will draw close to me as the Word of God promises in James 4:8. I am praying, reading the Bible, and studying the best way I know how. I began reading a book given to me by a friend. It’s second chapter is about Joseph vs. Potipher’s wife. As I read the story, the Holy Spirit impressed upon me something very important and eye opening: Joseph was nothing but faithful yet his life is riddled with affliction. He never said “I tried and You let awful things happen to me.” No, he just remained faithful wherever he was and whatever life threw at him… and so did God.

In chapter 39 of Genesis you will read that God remained faithful to Joseph. It says the Lord was with Joseph and he prospered (Genesis 39:2). No matter his circumstances, Joseph always lived in God’s favor. God promoted Joseph even in prison (Genesis 39:20-23). This was a total epiphany for me. How could I believe I could be good enough to make only good things come my way especially when I’m not good at all?

Thank you for new revelation Lord Jesus. Your Word is alive and active and I well know that now. Help me remain faithful even in affliction; certainly in affliction. It’ll all be worth the Crown of Life in the end. Eternal life is the gift only You can give and I thank You for it.

Be gracious.

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There are lots and lots of people on Earth, and each one comes with an opinion, as we well know.

In the unexpectedly mild aftermath of Hurricane Laura for my immediate area, some are ungrateful, and complaining that they were “inconvenienced” by the evacuation for “no reason”. They list many reasons why this whole thing was an overreaction, and why it shouldn’t have been so hyped up.

On the contrary, some are very grateful, and realize the evacuation wasn’t for no reason. Had the storm remained on track, and not jogged 30 miles East at the exact ideal second for us, we would be in Lake Charles’ shoes. We could have hardly anything recognizable to go back to. They believe God had mercy on SETX, sparing us from devastation at a time when some are still recovering from Harvey, Imelda, and the TPC explosion.

Then there are the ones who think it’s selfish to be grateful, because, as I said stated to several people before the storm made landfall, who is God going to favor when everyone is praying for the same thing? I understand all points of view, and normally try to empathize with everyone.

Except I get so angry when people with their big opinions, and their keyboard warrior courage, get online and start bashing ways of thinking that differ from their own.

Why post complaints, and who tries to publicly shame thankful people for being thankful?

I remember reading people’s commentary about how thankful they were when water came just to the edge of their doorways during Harvey, but they “prayed so hard”, and God spared them. I thought, “Well, good for you. I guess God hates me because I prayed as well, and 2 feet of water flooded my brand new home, so why don’t you go be happy with your dry self, and shut up”… but I didn’t actually address them; I said it to myself. Of course, God doesn’t hate anyone, and He had a good plan for me and my family all along. It was hard in the moment, but we received the strength we needed at the moment we needed it.

I also get that we shouldn’t only be thankful, and not care for the well being of others. We should go be a helper, and look for ways to serve those in need since we were spared.

I don’t have any actual answers, but my thoughts are like this: We don’t understand the sovereignty of God. Why even try? Look at all the awfulness in the world. We can’t make what we see happening all around us match up to what we know about the good character of God. He loved us enough to send Jesus to reconcile us to Himself, yet He allows so much pain and incomprehensible suffering for those His Son died to save. Sometimes it’s hard to wrap our heads around that.

Regarding this major hurricane that we just escaped from, it simply wasn’t our turn this time, and that doesn’t mean it won’t be again later. But mainly, the point is, we need to realize in ALL circumstances God is good. He allows what He allows, and sometimes we don’t like it, but sometimes we do. In 2017, we didn’t like it one bit, but Louisiana was spared, and they liked it, and were happy to assist all over SETX. This time we mostly like how things went, and we should be happy to help where we can.

The fact is, it’s early yet. September has been known to send some monster storms. Being all judge-y and stupid is not a good idea. Why can’t people just give each other grace? I need a LOT, and I try to give some because, thankfully, I get a lot.

“Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’”

Matthew 18:33 NLT

Preserve My Life

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Update: June 22, 2018

D and C is done, and to my surprise, the doctor came to me beaming as I woke up from the anesthesia. He said he was almost 100% certain all was benign! He feels sure there is absolutely no cancer. I cannot say thank You enough, Lord. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You. I want to live. You have good plans for me. You have good plans for my boys. Your plans are still to prosper. You have not forgotten us. In Jesus’ name I claim Your promises. Amen.

On June 7, 2018 I walked out of the doctor’s office with a new perspective. The wind was gently blowing on my face, but it was a hot, hot heat. It felt different than I had ever felt the summer breeze. Everything looked different. I had just received some test results that made me extremely uncomfortable. A more invasive test is necessary to find out the seriousness of this issue. It’s been less than 24 hours, and I have gone through every possible scenario my mind could imagine – at least a bazillion times.

Since the initial shock, my thoughts are a bit skewed. Songs I hear on the radio are so stupid. My previous concerns are stupid. Daily inconveniences are stupid. Memes are stupid. Facebook posts are stupid. Caring about my appearance is stupid. Seriously, what matters when facing the threat of a devastating diagnosis? And why won’t the stupid scheduling nurse call me back to schedule the procedure? Does she not realize my actual life is on hold waiting for her to finish her morning coffee, or chit chat about her stupid day off yesterday?? For mercy’s sake- call me back!

So I am trying my best to believe God is always good. I know He is. BELIEVE it, Courtney. I am reciting over and over – “I trust in You”. I do.

God, Help me trust You more. Make me brave, fearless, confident. I need You. I am not worried about myself, physically or mentally. My boys, God. Your boys that You gave me – you know the ones – they need me. You said I was the exact mother they needed. When they were little and I constantly felt like such a gigantic failure, and wished so bad that I could be better for them, You always reminded me that I was just what they needed. I have held on to that for the past 21 years. You said they needed ME. You said that, God. Don’t take me away from them yet. When they are old, and grown, and on their own, I’ll be glad to go, but please not now. I’ll go through whatever you see fit, but don’t make them suffer the loss of me. Sure, Jimmy is great. He is great at being Jimmy. He is not great at being me. You totally get that, right. You see that?

I need my perspective to change from victim to warrior, like right now. Only, not a front line warrior – the battle is the Lord’s (2 Chronicles 20:15). He will fight for me, I need only to be still (Exodus 14:14). For me, being a warrior means giving up control, and fully trusting in God. Help me, Lord. I am nothing good without You.

I give You thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart; before the gods I sing Your praise; I bow down toward Your holy temple and give thanks to Your name for Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness, for You have exalted above all things Your name and Your word. On the day I called, You answered me; my strength of soul You increased. All the kings of the earth shall give You thanks, O Lord , for they have heard the words of Your mouth, and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord , for great is the glory of the Lord. For though the Lord is high, He regards the lowly, but the haughty He knows from afar. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of Your hands.
Psalms 138:1‭-‬8 ESV

Fix it Jesus.

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Oh, my mind. My thoughts. They are sooo many. Sometimes I get so caught up in them that I actually lose my breath. Thoughts bounce around in my brain like that alien gadget that Will Smith, as Agent J, accidentally sends flying around the room during his first day at the MIB headquarters.

I’m caught up in the should-a, would-a, could-a trap. I’m freaking out thinking, why can’t I go back and do things better. I see myself running to Jesus with this big mess I’ve made, and when I get to Him, all I can say is, “Fix it, Jesus”.

And He says, be still. Nothing is too hard for me. All things work together for good, even what you see as a mess. You cannot deny that there are many things you absolutely do not want to change. If you could go back, you may really wreak havoc – so stop. I’ve got it all. I am the solution to your every problem. I am the answer to your every question. I am the peace in your chaos. I am all you need. Drop your mess, and hold on so tightly to Me that you can’t pick it back up.

You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.

Isaiah 26:3

Love Never Stops Loving

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Like a lot of people, I sometimes wrestle with feelings of rejection – and as with most adult issues, it stems from childhood. Not rejection from my parents, at all. My parents actually built me up to believe that I was so accepted, that the first time I realized someone actually didn’t like me, I was absolutely shocked. Like, it totally blew my mind that someone would dare have something bad to say about me. Ha!

I had a best friend growing up. A true BFF. We met when we were 5, and we were inseparable. We had all the “best friend” paraphernalia, like the heart necklaces that had “BE FRI” on one half, and “ST ENDS” on the other. We went everywhere together, we spoke in movie quotes, liked all the same songs, dreamed of one day marrying brothers, and living next door to each other. We had lots of fun, and sometimes got into lots of trouble together. Oh, the stories. This was a 13 year friendship, which isn’t really that long considering some, but so many stages of life occur in those particular 13 years, that it seems like it was so much longer.

It wasn’t always perfect though. Something happened as we progressed through the years. My BFF found other friends. I took it hard. I had been completely satisfied with just her. I loved that everyone was envious of the special bond we had. I liked that I never had to worry about who I would pair up with in school activities. I liked that when we weren’t together people would ask me where my shadow was. I had a really tough time when she started hanging out with other friends because sometimes I wasn’t included.

Rejection.

Things would change many times throughout our school years, and I would always gladly take my place as her #1 friend at anytime. To this day, I love her deeply, and we talk on occasion. We always aim to “get together and catch up”, although in the busyness of life, we haven’t been able to in years. I realize now that it was perfectly healthy for her to explore other friendships. It was normal. I had isolated myself from everyone else, because I was fine with one friend, but that’s not the way it should be. It put me in the position of being alone when she decided to hang out with someone else.

So, yeah, middle school was a problem, since everyone is trying to find where they fit in this puzzle called life. High school was much better for me, as I found other friends too, but that’s when I fell for a boy who loved himself way more than he could ever love anyone else. That relationship was toxic and destructive for a 15 year old girl. It lasted way too long, and I sometimes still find myself suffering the effects. Not that I think about the dumb boy anymore, but as they say, you never forget how you are made to feel, and he made me feel really bad far too often. I couldn’t grasp how someone could go from hot to cold in an instant. It didn’t make sense to me.

Rejection.

These two relationships formed at delicate stages in my life. The traumatic effects have reared their ugly heads from time to time throughout my relationships since. My boyfriends after that one, my husband, my other friendships, and my work relationships are all affected to some degree by my fear, and almost expectancy, of rejection. Even when I think I feel secure in the relationship, I’m subconsciously waiting for the other person to change their mind. I’m certain in my own mind that they are not 100% invested. That’s so incredibly unfair to the other party.

So, as I try my best to overcome insecure feelings woven into even my closest relationships, I find myself pondering my relationship with Jesus. This analysis has revealed to me that I am relating to Him in the same way. I have myself convinced His love is conditional. I’m so wrong.

The Bible says God loves me in spite of me, because while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8). Also, God is love (1 John 4:8), and love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).

The Passion Translation expresses that particular verse in 1 Corinthians beautifully. It says, “Love never stops loving”.

Never. Stops. Loving.

What a comforting thought. We can rest completely in this perfect truth.

Also, Jesus understands rejection. He was, and still is, rejected by so many that He died to save. Even those that truly loved Him rejected Him in His time of greatest need, including his BFF.

But before this takes place, the Son of Man must pass through great suffering and rejection from this generation.

Luke 17:25 TPT

He came to the very people He created – to those who should recognize Him, but they did not receive Him.

John 1:11 TPT

He was completely aware this would transpire, and even predicted it, but He willingly stays close to us all out of His reckless love for us – because love never stops loving.

I know God wants me to overcome my fear of rejection. He wants me to love without being limited by protective walls built in fear of being denied love reciprocated. He wants me to take my focus off what other people think of me. He wants me to realize that even if the whole world turns it’s back on me, I am still accepted by my Creator.

As for people in my life – some are in my life for a season, others for a lifetime. Some are lessons to me, while to some, I am a lesson. Some leave my life with great memories; some leave with bitterness. Either way, God allows me to go through it, and He will use it for His purpose.

If you’re reading this, and you share the rejection struggle, please know this – we live in a controlled environment. Nothing we go through is a surprise to God. If we are rejected by someone we interact with, or even someone we truly care about, we must release them knowing either God is saving us from disaster, or they have simply completed their task in our lives.

Of course, this is super easy to say, but when our hearts are on the line, the stakes are high. All we can do is be ourselves, give our best to those we come in contact with, and trust that we are held by the one Who created our heart. If it gets broken, He knows just how to put it back together.

I’m so thankful for the secure relationships God has given me in my adult life. I still have my parents and my older brother, I have an incredibly devoted husband that unconditionally loves me in words & deed, my 3 beautiful sons that each adore me, an abundance of beautiful friendships, and even some wonderful workplace friendships. Most importantly, I have my relationship with Jesus. This is where I can rest assured knowing He never stops loving me.

Make it STOP.

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Sometimes I think it’s just too hard to be a person. I’m so overwhelmed with all the “do this, don’t do that, this is the best way, this is the only thing you should be concerned with”, blah, blah, blah. From diets, exercise, parenting, apple cider vinegar, finances, a relationship with God, essential oils, and everything else you can imagine… It’s too much. I don’t want to do it anymore. Everywhere I turn, it’s – believe this way, be positive, only eat whole foods, this makeup, that perfume, this clothing, this budget, be organized, feed your family like this, say these things to your sons, don’t say that, visit friends and family before it’s too late, work full time, spend a lot of time with those you love, serve God at your church, give of yourself, make time for yourself, go on vacation, save money for college and retirement, only use chemical free products in your home & on your body, have a date night once per week, be organized, declutter, don’t speed, don’t be late, cook, only use stevia, not that stevia, keep your house clean, make beds, don’t worry so much about your appearance, look nice, don’t overdress, landscape the yard, create, drink green tea, read, drink black tea, add honey, avoid sugar, don’t drink diet soda, don’t drink regular soda, drink water, not too much water, be joyful, be content, reach for your dreams, workout, relax… OMGOODNESS. How??? How do people balance it all?? Where’s my balance? Mr. Myagi said, “Must find balance”. I’m just me. I cannot. God, have mercy, please.

And then Jesus is all like…

“This is why I tell you to never be worried about your life, for all that you need will be provided, such as food, water, clothing—everything your body needs. Isn’t there more to your life than a meal? Isn’t your body more than clothing? “Look at all the birds—do you think they worry about their existence? They don’t plant or reap or store up food, yet your heavenly Father provides them each with food. Aren’t you much more valuable to your Father than they? So, which one of you by worrying could add anything to your life? “ And why would you worry about your clothing? Look at all the beautiful flowers of the field. They don’t work or toil, and yet not even Solomon in all his splendor was robed in beauty more than one of these! So if God has clothed the meadow with hay, which is here for such a short time and then dried up and burned, won’t he provide for you the clothes you need—even though you live with such little faith? “So then, forsake your worries! Why would you say, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For that is what the unbelievers chase after. Doesn’t your heavenly Father already know the things your bodies require? “So above all, constantly chase after the realm of God’s kingdom and the righteousness that proceeds from him. Then all these less important things will be given to you abundantly. Refuse to worry about tomorrow, but deal with each challenge that comes your way, one day at a time. Tomorrow will take care of itself.”
Matthew 6:25‭-‬34 TPT

So… Yeah. Maybe I’ll just listen to Him and shut the rest out. For real.

Expectations of People & Hopes

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I was really overwhelmed this morning with sadness. My sweet husband got the privilege of having all my yuck poured out onto him, and with tears. Later, he asked me if my day had improved. Here’s the thing though – my day is not the problem, it’s my outlook. What has to improve is my perspective. I have to be OK with disappointment in my expectations of people, and the way I think things should be. I have to rest in the fact that there is a reason for unrealized hopes & dreams, even though it hurts. I must press in. I must continue to believe there is hope for the future even when the pattern of my life seems heavy with let downs. I have to believe that won’t always be the case.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
Isaiah 43:18‭-‬19 NIV

Little Miss Pitch a Fit on the Floor

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This picture of me proves that I have hated taking pictures from go. Eyebrows say a lot. It’s a picture from around the same time in my life that I was struggling with a different issue – baby ballet. Circa 1978. I was 3 years old and not a huge fan of my mom leaving me. So, apparently I pitched a fit on the floor and refused to participate when my mom left me sobbing in the dance studio. I am sure the teacher convinced my mother that she had seen upset little girls many times and that I would soon settle down and accept my fate.

I did no such thing.

That is how I earned my new title, “Little Miss Pitch a Fit on the Floor.” Now, let’s totally disregard how awful a BABY ballet teacher has to be to refer to a 3 year old BABY in such a way. In today’s world that would have been a social media outrage, but in the 70s people didn’t have such an easily accessible platform. So there it was. I had been labeled. One of the first of many labels I’ve collected over the years. Luckily, I began talking in full sentences at a very early age so I was more than able to express to my parents that I was being ridiculed by this evil woman. Consequently, they never made me go back.

That is one of my earliest memories of feeling protected. Like with most parents protecting their children was, and still is, a natural behavior for my mom and dad. They always made me feel safe. My parents did everything in their power to give me anything I wanted. They also did whatever it took to help me avoid feeling uncomfortable in any way. If I wanted 15 Cabbage Patch Dolls or to quit dance class, stay home from school, quit a job, come home early from church camp, or whatever it may be, they made it happen. If they dared to hesitate – well… a little fit pitching would get them every time.

This was all working out great for me – until I reached adulthood. That is when I realized, to my dismay, that my parents were unable to “fix” some of the difficult situations I encountered. Try as they might some issues that arose were out of their hands. The torch was later passed when I met my husband. He began dealing with me in the same manner as my parents always have. The very moment I am upset about something he will quickly spring into action to do whatever it takes to fix me. If I need to turn on the waterworks (as he so lovingly calls it) I have absolutely no problem doing that. After the children came along and I found myself the lone girl in a house full of boys I knew it would be super easy to convince them with a few tears – and maybe a little chin tremble – to see things my way (hmm… manipulate much?).

Unfortunately, I now tend to equate someone loving me with bending to my will… And with great haste.

Even with my full team of willing participants ready to make my life perfect, there are still some things they simply cannot remedy… mean people, houses flooding, check engine lights, spilled coffee, Mondays – you know? Things like that. So, I think to myself, “Oh, it’s no problem though because my Heavenly Father is all powerful and He will rush to my aid and fix everything immediately. After all, He loves me even more than my family and friends, right”? Aww… isn’t that cute? I am laughing to myself as I type this and think about how naive that thought is.

So when God doesn’t immediately rectify each situation I’m not exactly pleased with I begin to doubt His love for me. I must not be His favorite. I must have done something really bad to make Him not like me. I must need to be a better person so I can earn His love.

Wait – the Bible clearly says in the verse that changed my life that there is nothing I can do to earn God’s love.

God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT)

I cannot earn the love of God. So now what? I have tried over and over to manipulate God Almighty by throwing fits, ugly crying, dramatically screaming, etc. None of these outbursts seem to convince Him that I need Him to hurry up and make it all better. According to His Word He clearly doesn’t hate me, no matter what it feels like, so I have to believe what I know to be true about Him. I cannot rely on what I see. I must believe that God loves me because the Bible tells me so. There is also tangible evidence all around, but in the middle of my hard times, it can be difficult to see. That is where faith needs to be applied.

Faith is the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.
Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

I have told myself this over and over – my feelings and my perspective do not change the truth. What I see can differ depending on the day. If I wake up feeling hopeful things don’t look so bad, but that can change if I dwell on the disappointments, setbacks, or whatever has not gone the way I had hoped.

So why doesn’t God just do everything in His power to make me perfectly happy like my parents, my husband, and everyone else that truly loves me? You know He CAN so He is CHOOSING not to. Is He just mean? Of course not. First of all, God owes me absolutely nothing. And furthermore He sent His only Son to die for me because I was a sinner that owed a debt I could not pay. That is not characteristic of someone “mean”. I realize that my family and friends working OT to make things perfect for me is actually extremely detrimental. At the time it is soothing, but in the end it has made life’s difficulties tough for me to handle. I know from the beginning, back in baby ballet, my parents should have made me tough it out. My miserable ballet teacher was actually right in her assessment of me – although her delivery was a bit harsh. I know my parents should have made me face the hard things that came up. They should have pushed me to push myself. They did the best they could though. I know why they handled me that way, and still do, which is the same for Jimmy. Partly because no one wants to listen to my Fit Throwing Extravaganza, but mostly because they want to take the pain away. It is hard to watch someone we love in pain. God is only able to do that because, in His infinite wisdom, He knows it is building something in us that cannot be built otherwise. He has a purpose.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
Romans 8:28 (NLT)

There have been many times that I have cried out, “How can God allow this to happen to me?” Well, let’s look at what He allowed to happen to Jesus. He watched His Son be tortured and crucified, and though He had the power to stop it, He chose not to because He knew there was no other way to have a relationship with His most favorite creation… Us. As Jesus faced the full knowledge of what He was about to endure He had to have faith also. That is why He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before his crucifixion.

Father, if You are willing please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine.
Luke 22:42 (NLT)
While Jesus was here on Earth, He offered prayers and pleadings to the One who could rescue Him from death. And God heard His prayers because of His deep reverence for God. Even though Jesus was God’s Son, He learned obedience from the things He suffered.
Hebrews 5:7-8 (NLT)

So, yeah… Jesus had to endure suffering and I am pretty sure whatever I am going through, although it may be heart wrenching to me, is not much compared to what Jesus went through both physically and mentally. Just because I cannot see why God is not “fixing” it all for me does not mean that it does not pain Him to see me hurting. It means that unlike my family, God is unable to be manipulated into “giving in” to me because He knows that suffering ultimately produces hope.

…we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.
Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)

He is strong enough to not appease me momentarily so that I am better off in the long run. He is allowing His plan for my life to unfold the way He purposed from the start – even if it involves me being uncomfortable. My pitching a fit on the floor does nothing to to alter His sovereign plans; it only hinders my growth.

God, please forgive me for being a spoiled brat at times. Remind me to cling tightly to You when I face difficulties, trusting that You have my best interest at heart. Help me to endure suffering gracefully so that You may be glorified. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move, when You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through, when You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You, I will trust in You.
Lauren Daigle – Trust in You

Christmas With a Side of Disaster

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When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2 NIV

Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.
Psalm 57:1 NIV

After many years of suffering through illness, and the loss of a house, my family and I believed God for a home of our own again. He miraculously provided us with a house in January of 2017, and we gave Him thanks and praise. We rejoiced and took nothing for granted. We were humbled and thankful. Before we were even fully settled in, 8 months after the closing of our loan, our home was flooded by hurricane Harvey. We had no flood insurance. Our lives were completely turned upside down. We didn’t understand, and we were hurt. My boys had been in awe of how God had been so good to us, and then they didn’t understand why all our stuff was ruined, including the house God had gifted us. It made me question God’s love & His ways because, as a parent, I can’t imagine allowing that to happen to one of my children when I could have stopped it. He could have stopped it. He could have not let us buy that house, or He could have stopped the storm from coming. He could have stopped the water. He could have done so many things, but He chose not to, and I do not understand that. It hurts me to type this because I know my Heavenly Father is always good, and I’m not. He remains faithful, even when I’m not. He’s God, not me. Who am I to judge Him?

As Christmas approaches, I am facing the thought of celebrating our first Christmas in our new home somewhere else besides our new home, since it isn’t exactly livable. After moving in the house, we had spent the entire year looking forward to the holidays. We discussed where we would put the Christmas tree, and could not wait to bring out our decorations. Christmas 2016, we were unable to decorate at all because we lived with my parents as we were saving to buy this house. All those little dreams were crushed when the water came pouring into our home on the evening of August 29, 2017. I have been in tears many times since that night, feeling sorry for myself and my boys. I wanted to rise above, be strong, and testify about how the flood was a blessing. I wanted God to use our testimony to encourage others, and lead them to a saving knowledge of Christ, but I am failing Him, as per usual. I am a mess most of the time. I have days that I am hopeful, but unfortunately, it does not last long. I am on a roller coaster of emotions.

BUT… something unexpected happened this week as I began to look around and remember what Christmas should be about… A thrill of HOPE.

Imagine with me, right when you’re feeling overwhelmed and weary, there is a sudden burst of HOPE! That’s what a thrill of hope is!
And, that’s what we experience at Christmas as we celebrate the truth that God is with us. Oh, let’s dwell on the thrill of hope that we have today! And let’s rejoice big time.

– Jennifer Rothschild

Jesus. Hope. God with us. Maybe if the flood had not come and temporarily taken away what we were so in love with – our home – we would have forgotten that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Savior. Jesus came out of Heaven, to this broken Earth, for us. If He had not, we would all be doomed to actual hell. What a gift He gave. It cannot be earned. We could never be good enough to cover our own sins.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing: it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

-Ephesians 2:8-9

Jesus knew we could never measure up, so He willingly came. He made a way for all to enter Heaven. That’s the gift we should be focused on this year, not our home with all our brand new contents, or whatever it may be that you are putting your hope in. I believe God is showing us through this loss, among countless other things, that houses and belongings come and go, but He’s constant. He’s our Safe Place. He’s our Home.

Lord, through all the generations, You have been our Home!”

– Psalm 90:1

As we walk the concrete floors, partially covered in brown paper and sheet rock dust, we must remember this is only a vapor of time. Yes, it’s hard, but it isn’t the end of us. We can still have Christmas, and we will. How much more we will remember the “first Christmas we spent in our new home”? How sweet is it that no matter where we are, we are all together, celebrating Jesus? There will be a time when we can no longer say that. Even then, we will need to hold on to this… Christmas isn’t about where we physically live, or what we possess. It’s not about made up traditions, cozy fantasies, or magical experiences. It’s not even about our families. It’s about Jesus. If we are fixed on anything other than that, we have it all wrong.