healing

True Freedom

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He will swallow up death for all time, And the Lord GOD will wipe tears away from all faces, And He will remove the disgrace of His people from all the earth; For the LORD has spoken.

Isaiah 25:8

On Memorial Day in America we look back on the sacrifices that were made to gain and protect our freedom. These are good things to reflect on and be grateful for, remembering we weren’t owed such sacrifices yet they are the catalyst to our current lifestyle. Remembering is good in cases like this.

Sometimes remembering can be detrimental to us. I look back too often on my mistakes and regrets and this causes me anxiety. I get trapped in cyclical thinking about what I could have done differently and how things may have played out better in different situations.

Enough.

God already said He will remove the disgrace from His people. He’s already done everything in order to reconcile us to Himself. The chains have been broken. We should bask in that promise and learn to forgive ourselves. If God forgives us how can we still hold on to our failures? Are we better than God that we are justified in our un-forgiveness of our own selves? We should forget all that just like the Word of God says He does…

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Psalm 103:11-12

God doesn’t expect us to forget everything. Besides, all the past experiences good and bad make us the version of ourselves we are today and the even better version we will become in the future once we inevitably have more experiences and resources and knowledge. Maybe fully forgetting isn’t the best way to learn. Maybe we should take the past as a lesson learned and do better, however don’t dwell on the past. Peace doesn’t live in the past or in the future or in memories or even in our minds. Peace resides in the present.

Peace comes from God and one way to have the peace of God in uncertainty is to remember God’s goodness as it’s written in Psalm 77. However, God makes a point to say we should “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past” and He continues with, “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19

God is always doing a new thing in our lives and although Jesus said in John 13:7 “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will”, He wants us to trust and obey as well as walk in the freedom Jesus died to give us.

Why are we walking around like we still have a death sentence dwelling on our past screw ups? We’ve been set free! For those of us who believe Jesus is the Son of God and trust Him as our only hope of salvation, our shame has been undone. UNDONE.

God, I confess I walk around like I still have a death sentence at times. If I had been on death row, guilty of a horrific crime, and an innocent person chose to die in my place and lovingly let me go free, I would be forever grateful. I’d be aiming to live my life to the fullest, giving them constant thanks for each breath I don’t deserve. I only have a chance at a life of freedom because of their sacrifice. That’s reason to celebrate and share my redemption story. That is what those who fought for our freedoms we so lavishly enjoy did for us. Moreover, that’s exactly what you did, Jesus. Not only are you innocent, but You’re the Son of the Most High God. You’re the King of Glory. Royalty, yet You willingly gave Your life for mine. Thank you! Forgive me for taking what You did for granted instead of fully enjoying Your sweet freedom. I’m not bound by the chains of sin and death any longer. You have set me free! Help me live and thrive in the freedom You died to give me. Amen♥️

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

2 Corinthians 3:17

Photo Credit: christ.co.ke

God vs. The Unexpected

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May 11, 2023. The most terrifying day of our lives. Its not something I want to celebrate, however it’s definitely something to reflect back on. It’s been 2 years today and what followed were some of the darkest days we’ve ever been through. Never could we have imagined what would happen. There aren’t enough words to describe what we have been through. No one can understand and I would never want anyone to understand. I can’t even understand and I lived it. When the ambulance doors closed as I sat in my car watching so I could follow to the nearest hospital equipped to treat stroke patients I said out loud “This is life altering”. I had no idea how true that was. It was indeed life altering in the most horrifying ways.
I have been dreading this day knowing this milestone would fall on Mother’s Day. It’s a hard thing to process. I still haven’t accepted that my healthy 51 year old husband had a stroke. A brain stem stroke at that. The fact that he is still here 2 years later after a brain stem stroke followed by all the other mysterious undiagnosed episodes is an absolute miracle. Most people that have ischemic brain stem strokes don’t survive long enough to even make it to the hospital. But God. God still has a purpose for Jimmy’s life even though he’s lost so much of what he believes made him who he is; his talents: singing, playing the guitar and piano, drawing, painting, perfect penmanship, and teaching people in fun ways about the Word of God – all those talents are gone. We pray some of that will return, but if it doesn’t, he’s still alive and has a purpose. He is still brilliant and he is back at work running the IT Department at the hospital with strength and confidence. He does a good job at everything he is able to do. He’s still determined, positive, encouraging, hopeful and enthusiastic about our future which is so inspiring. It’s miraculous.
We’ve seen God use this event in so many ways for our good. I have stumbled and even crumbled many times in the past 2 years, but my God is a redeemer. He restores. He is always waiting for us to turn back to Him. He loves to bring beauty from ashes. I believe we have already seen that and the best is yet to come!
So many people have supported us during this difficult season. Way too many to name. We’ve experienced an incredible outpouring of love and we are so appreciative. We could never repay all the people that have worked and helped in so many ways showing the true love of Jesus to us as we were suffering and afraid.
So I was dreading today but now I’m simply grateful. Grateful Jimmy is not only alive, but living life. Grateful for God’s restoration. Grateful for God’s perfect plan even if it’s way different than mine. Grateful for my boys and all they’ve learned through this. Grateful to be their mom. Grateful for my beautiful granddaughter who is an absolute ray of sunshine in our lives even on the darkest days. It shows even the tiniest light shines brightly in the darkness. Grateful for healing, physical and emotional. Grateful for salvation in Christ alone.
Happy Mother’s Day with all my love, especially to my mother who I often take for granted but I never stop needing!🌷

P. S. May is Stroke Awareness Month. Know the signs and symptoms. It can happen to anyone at any age even with few to zero risk factors. Act F. A. S. T. (Facial drooping/numbness, Arms weakness/numbness, Speech slurring/difficulty speaking, and Time – acting quickly is crucial) It could mean the difference between life and death or recovery and not recovering.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
‭‭Romans 8:28

“so that from the rising of the sun to the place of its setting people may know there is none besides me. I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭45‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

April 11, 2024 – almost a year out and he was actively having debilitating episodes except for on this day! Thanks be to God for letting Jimmy attend and enjoy Caison’s and Madison’s gorgeous wedding 🤍🖤

Afflicted

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I haven’t written a blog post that could be published in a long time. I have been bitter. Bitter at life and God. Jimmy had a stroke on May 11, 2023 and it destroyed our lives as we knew them.

After the shock wore off I was ready to tackle the situation and do whatever I could to get Jimmy back to himself. That didn’t happen. My efforts were futile. It hurt. I was mad.

I eventually tried to renew my relationship with God. I looked back over journals and scriptures and declarations I had written down and that only made me more bitter. I had tried and look what happened! The unthinkable. The unimaginable. Why even try? Why put the work into a relationship with God when He allows such affliction?

I came across a journal entry I had made from probably 3-4 years ago. It started with how much I had always loved this verse:

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21

The thing is, the verse before says:

Though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. Isaiah 30:20

This is why we should never cherry pick verses. We need the full context to understand God’s Word. All the famous verses people like to refer to are often cherry picked. For example, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Yes that’s great and that’s a great verse, but in context, you’ll see that Paul was talking about the ability to overcome hardship and persecution as a Christian, not playing select baseball or dancing on a high school drill team. We have learned to minimize the Word of God applying it to insignificant or mundane daily life. We should always apply God’s Word to our daily lives, however, there is a fine line between using it and twisting it.

So anyway, back to affliction. No one wants to talk about that but it’s all over the Word of God. He speaks of using affliction in our lives multiple times. To name a few-

Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I keep your Word. Psalm 119:67

It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes. Psalm 119:71

He delivers the afflicted by their affliction and opens their ear by adversity. Job 36:15

But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish. Psalm 9:18

And this one doesn’t mention affliction specifically but pretty poignant when it says,

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again from the depths of the Earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. Psalm 71:20-21

These are some verses that most won’t bring up but, affliction is part of life and we need to know that BEFORE it strikes us so we’re prepared to lean on Jesus during our affliction as “we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose”. Romans 8:28

I know I need Jesus. I can’t do life without the Author of it. I want to draw close to God so He will draw close to me as the Word of God promises in James 4:8. I am praying, reading the Bible, and studying the best way I know how. I began reading a book given to me by a friend. It’s second chapter is about Joseph vs. Potipher’s wife. As I read the story, the Holy Spirit impressed upon me something very important and eye opening: Joseph was nothing but faithful yet his life is riddled with affliction. He never said “I tried and You let awful things happen to me.” No, he just remained faithful wherever he was and whatever life threw at him… and so did God.

In chapter 39 of Genesis you will read that God remained faithful to Joseph. It says the Lord was with Joseph and he prospered (Genesis 39:2). No matter his circumstances, Joseph always lived in God’s favor. God promoted Joseph even in prison (Genesis 39:20-23). This was a total epiphany for me. How could I believe I could be good enough to make only good things come my way especially when I’m not good at all?

Thank you for new revelation Lord Jesus. Your Word is alive and active and I well know that now. Help me remain faithful even in affliction; certainly in affliction. It’ll all be worth the Crown of Life in the end. Eternal life is the gift only You can give and I thank You for it.

Preserve My Life

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Update: June 22, 2018

D and C is done, and to my surprise, the doctor came to me beaming as I woke up from the anesthesia. He said he was almost 100% certain all was benign! He feels sure there is absolutely no cancer. I cannot say thank You enough, Lord. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You. I want to live. You have good plans for me. You have good plans for my boys. Your plans are still to prosper. You have not forgotten us. In Jesus’ name I claim Your promises. Amen.

On June 7, 2018 I walked out of the doctor’s office with a new perspective. The wind was gently blowing on my face, but it was a hot, hot heat. It felt different than I had ever felt the summer breeze. Everything looked different. I had just received some test results that made me extremely uncomfortable. A more invasive test is necessary to find out the seriousness of this issue. It’s been less than 24 hours, and I have gone through every possible scenario my mind could imagine – at least a bazillion times.

Since the initial shock, my thoughts are a bit skewed. Songs I hear on the radio are so stupid. My previous concerns are stupid. Daily inconveniences are stupid. Memes are stupid. Facebook posts are stupid. Caring about my appearance is stupid. Seriously, what matters when facing the threat of a devastating diagnosis? And why won’t the stupid scheduling nurse call me back to schedule the procedure? Does she not realize my actual life is on hold waiting for her to finish her morning coffee, or chit chat about her stupid day off yesterday?? For mercy’s sake- call me back!

So I am trying my best to believe God is always good. I know He is. BELIEVE it, Courtney. I am reciting over and over – “I trust in You”. I do.

God, Help me trust You more. Make me brave, fearless, confident. I need You. I am not worried about myself, physically or mentally. My boys, God. Your boys that You gave me – you know the ones – they need me. You said I was the exact mother they needed. When they were little and I constantly felt like such a gigantic failure, and wished so bad that I could be better for them, You always reminded me that I was just what they needed. I have held on to that for the past 21 years. You said they needed ME. You said that, God. Don’t take me away from them yet. When they are old, and grown, and on their own, I’ll be glad to go, but please not now. I’ll go through whatever you see fit, but don’t make them suffer the loss of me. Sure, Jimmy is great. He is great at being Jimmy. He is not great at being me. You totally get that, right. You see that?

I need my perspective to change from victim to warrior, like right now. Only, not a front line warrior – the battle is the Lord’s (2 Chronicles 20:15). He will fight for me, I need only to be still (Exodus 14:14). For me, being a warrior means giving up control, and fully trusting in God. Help me, Lord. I am nothing good without You.

I give You thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart; before the gods I sing Your praise; I bow down toward Your holy temple and give thanks to Your name for Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness, for You have exalted above all things Your name and Your word. On the day I called, You answered me; my strength of soul You increased. All the kings of the earth shall give You thanks, O Lord , for they have heard the words of Your mouth, and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord , for great is the glory of the Lord. For though the Lord is high, He regards the lowly, but the haughty He knows from afar. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of Your hands.
Psalms 138:1‭-‬8 ESV