Christian

Little Miss Pitch a Fit on the Floor

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This picture of me proves that I have hated taking pictures from go. Eyebrows say a lot. It’s a picture from around the same time in my life that I was struggling with a different issue – baby ballet. Circa 1978. I was 3 years old and not a huge fan of my mom leaving me. So, apparently I pitched a fit on the floor and refused to participate when my mom left me sobbing in the dance studio. I am sure the teacher convinced my mother that she had seen upset little girls many times and that I would soon settle down and accept my fate.

I did no such thing.

That is how I earned my new title, “Little Miss Pitch a Fit on the Floor.” Now, let’s totally disregard how awful a BABY ballet teacher has to be to refer to a 3 year old BABY in such a way. In today’s world that would have been a social media outrage, but in the 70s people didn’t have such an easily accessible platform. So there it was. I had been labeled. One of the first of many labels I’ve collected over the years. Luckily, I began talking in full sentences at a very early age so I was more than able to express to my parents that I was being ridiculed by this evil woman. Consequently, they never made me go back.

That is one of my earliest memories of feeling protected. Like with most parents protecting their children was, and still is, a natural behavior for my mom and dad. They always made me feel safe. My parents did everything in their power to give me anything I wanted. They also did whatever it took to help me avoid feeling uncomfortable in any way. If I wanted 15 Cabbage Patch Dolls or to quit dance class, stay home from school, quit a job, come home early from church camp, or whatever it may be, they made it happen. If they dared to hesitate – well… a little fit pitching would get them every time.

This was all working out great for me – until I reached adulthood. That is when I realized, to my dismay, that my parents were unable to “fix” some of the difficult situations I encountered. Try as they might some issues that arose were out of their hands. The torch was later passed when I met my husband. He began dealing with me in the same manner as my parents always have. The very moment I am upset about something he will quickly spring into action to do whatever it takes to fix me. If I need to turn on the waterworks (as he so lovingly calls it) I have absolutely no problem doing that. After the children came along and I found myself the lone girl in a house full of boys I knew it would be super easy to convince them with a few tears – and maybe a little chin tremble – to see things my way (hmm… manipulate much?).

Unfortunately, I now tend to equate someone loving me with bending to my will… And with great haste.

Even with my full team of willing participants ready to make my life perfect, there are still some things they simply cannot remedy… mean people, houses flooding, check engine lights, spilled coffee, Mondays – you know? Things like that. So, I think to myself, “Oh, it’s no problem though because my Heavenly Father is all powerful and He will rush to my aid and fix everything immediately. After all, He loves me even more than my family and friends, right”? Aww… isn’t that cute? I am laughing to myself as I type this and think about how naive that thought is.

So when God doesn’t immediately rectify each situation I’m not exactly pleased with I begin to doubt His love for me. I must not be His favorite. I must have done something really bad to make Him not like me. I must need to be a better person so I can earn His love.

Wait – the Bible clearly says in the verse that changed my life that there is nothing I can do to earn God’s love.

God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT)

I cannot earn the love of God. So now what? I have tried over and over to manipulate God Almighty by throwing fits, ugly crying, dramatically screaming, etc. None of these outbursts seem to convince Him that I need Him to hurry up and make it all better. According to His Word He clearly doesn’t hate me, no matter what it feels like, so I have to believe what I know to be true about Him. I cannot rely on what I see. I must believe that God loves me because the Bible tells me so. There is also tangible evidence all around, but in the middle of my hard times, it can be difficult to see. That is where faith needs to be applied.

Faith is the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.
Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

I have told myself this over and over – my feelings and my perspective do not change the truth. What I see can differ depending on the day. If I wake up feeling hopeful things don’t look so bad, but that can change if I dwell on the disappointments, setbacks, or whatever has not gone the way I had hoped.

So why doesn’t God just do everything in His power to make me perfectly happy like my parents, my husband, and everyone else that truly loves me? You know He CAN so He is CHOOSING not to. Is He just mean? Of course not. First of all, God owes me absolutely nothing. And furthermore He sent His only Son to die for me because I was a sinner that owed a debt I could not pay. That is not characteristic of someone “mean”. I realize that my family and friends working OT to make things perfect for me is actually extremely detrimental. At the time it is soothing, but in the end it has made life’s difficulties tough for me to handle. I know from the beginning, back in baby ballet, my parents should have made me tough it out. My miserable ballet teacher was actually right in her assessment of me – although her delivery was a bit harsh. I know my parents should have made me face the hard things that came up. They should have pushed me to push myself. They did the best they could though. I know why they handled me that way, and still do, which is the same for Jimmy. Partly because no one wants to listen to my Fit Throwing Extravaganza, but mostly because they want to take the pain away. It is hard to watch someone we love in pain. God is only able to do that because, in His infinite wisdom, He knows it is building something in us that cannot be built otherwise. He has a purpose.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
Romans 8:28 (NLT)

There have been many times that I have cried out, “How can God allow this to happen to me?” Well, let’s look at what He allowed to happen to Jesus. He watched His Son be tortured and crucified, and though He had the power to stop it, He chose not to because He knew there was no other way to have a relationship with His most favorite creation… Us. As Jesus faced the full knowledge of what He was about to endure He had to have faith also. That is why He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before his crucifixion.

Father, if You are willing please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine.
Luke 22:42 (NLT)
While Jesus was here on Earth, He offered prayers and pleadings to the One who could rescue Him from death. And God heard His prayers because of His deep reverence for God. Even though Jesus was God’s Son, He learned obedience from the things He suffered.
Hebrews 5:7-8 (NLT)

So, yeah… Jesus had to endure suffering and I am pretty sure whatever I am going through, although it may be heart wrenching to me, is not much compared to what Jesus went through both physically and mentally. Just because I cannot see why God is not “fixing” it all for me does not mean that it does not pain Him to see me hurting. It means that unlike my family, God is unable to be manipulated into “giving in” to me because He knows that suffering ultimately produces hope.

…we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.
Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)

He is strong enough to not appease me momentarily so that I am better off in the long run. He is allowing His plan for my life to unfold the way He purposed from the start – even if it involves me being uncomfortable. My pitching a fit on the floor does nothing to to alter His sovereign plans; it only hinders my growth.

God, please forgive me for being a spoiled brat at times. Remind me to cling tightly to You when I face difficulties, trusting that You have my best interest at heart. Help me to endure suffering gracefully so that You may be glorified. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move, when You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through, when You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You, I will trust in You.
Lauren Daigle – Trust in You

Christmas With a Side of Disaster

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When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2 NIV

Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.
Psalm 57:1 NIV

After many years of suffering through illness, and the loss of a house, my family and I believed God for a home of our own again. He miraculously provided us with a house in January of 2017, and we gave Him thanks and praise. We rejoiced and took nothing for granted. We were humbled and thankful. Before we were even fully settled in, 8 months after the closing of our loan, our home was flooded by hurricane Harvey. We had no flood insurance. Our lives were completely turned upside down. We didn’t understand, and we were hurt. My boys had been in awe of how God had been so good to us, and then they didn’t understand why all our stuff was ruined, including the house God had gifted us. It made me question God’s love & His ways because, as a parent, I can’t imagine allowing that to happen to one of my children when I could have stopped it. He could have stopped it. He could have not let us buy that house, or He could have stopped the storm from coming. He could have stopped the water. He could have done so many things, but He chose not to, and I do not understand that. It hurts me to type this because I know my Heavenly Father is always good, and I’m not. He remains faithful, even when I’m not. He’s God, not me. Who am I to judge Him?

As Christmas approaches, I am facing the thought of celebrating our first Christmas in our new home somewhere else besides our new home, since it isn’t exactly livable. After moving in the house, we had spent the entire year looking forward to the holidays. We discussed where we would put the Christmas tree, and could not wait to bring out our decorations. Christmas 2016, we were unable to decorate at all because we lived with my parents as we were saving to buy this house. All those little dreams were crushed when the water came pouring into our home on the evening of August 29, 2017. I have been in tears many times since that night, feeling sorry for myself and my boys. I wanted to rise above, be strong, and testify about how the flood was a blessing. I wanted God to use our testimony to encourage others, and lead them to a saving knowledge of Christ, but I am failing Him, as per usual. I am a mess most of the time. I have days that I am hopeful, but unfortunately, it does not last long. I am on a roller coaster of emotions.

BUT… something unexpected happened this week as I began to look around and remember what Christmas should be about… A thrill of HOPE.

Imagine with me, right when you’re feeling overwhelmed and weary, there is a sudden burst of HOPE! That’s what a thrill of hope is!
And, that’s what we experience at Christmas as we celebrate the truth that God is with us. Oh, let’s dwell on the thrill of hope that we have today! And let’s rejoice big time.

– Jennifer Rothschild

Jesus. Hope. God with us. Maybe if the flood had not come and temporarily taken away what we were so in love with – our home – we would have forgotten that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Savior. Jesus came out of Heaven, to this broken Earth, for us. If He had not, we would all be doomed to actual hell. What a gift He gave. It cannot be earned. We could never be good enough to cover our own sins.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing: it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

-Ephesians 2:8-9

Jesus knew we could never measure up, so He willingly came. He made a way for all to enter Heaven. That’s the gift we should be focused on this year, not our home with all our brand new contents, or whatever it may be that you are putting your hope in. I believe God is showing us through this loss, among countless other things, that houses and belongings come and go, but He’s constant. He’s our Safe Place. He’s our Home.

Lord, through all the generations, You have been our Home!”

– Psalm 90:1

As we walk the concrete floors, partially covered in brown paper and sheet rock dust, we must remember this is only a vapor of time. Yes, it’s hard, but it isn’t the end of us. We can still have Christmas, and we will. How much more we will remember the “first Christmas we spent in our new home”? How sweet is it that no matter where we are, we are all together, celebrating Jesus? There will be a time when we can no longer say that. Even then, we will need to hold on to this… Christmas isn’t about where we physically live, or what we possess. It’s not about made up traditions, cozy fantasies, or magical experiences. It’s not even about our families. It’s about Jesus. If we are fixed on anything other than that, we have it all wrong.

What Is Your Life?

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What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.

-Unknown

I have noticed it many times in different situations. Most prominently when we go to estate sales. You walk through these homes, and see all these things the owners have accumulated. Most of the sales are being held to empty out the home of the owner who recently died. There are all sorts of things… pots & pans, furniture, books, clothing, luggage, vintage stuff. I have even seen graduation gowns for sale at these sales. Why do we keep these things? No one is going to buy that. It means nothing to anyone but the parent of the child that wore it. A lot of times there is medical equipment too, like dialysis chairs, bed pans, wheel chairs, oxygen tanks, etc. The house holds everything that made up the lives of those who lived there… but they are gone now. You can’t meet them, you can’t talk to them, and you can’t ask them about their stuff. I walk through and pick up things, and I imagine… I can see children running through the house. I can see the mom standing at the stove preparing meals for her family to serve on those plates now for sale. I can see the dad sitting in the recliner watching the news. Then the children grow up and move out and there are a few precious years of adjusting to an empty nest before the parents grow old and all the medical equipment has to be brought in. One spouse dies, then the other, then the children have to divide all the “assets”. The house is not their home anymore, and it is sold to another family, and the cycle starts over. What did those lives mean? What did they accomplish? They have all this stuff that meant so much, yet meant absolutely nothing. And that’s the “best case” scenario. Sometimes the lives have been tragically ended too soon for some of the family members. Those are even sadder existences.

“yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes”.

-James 4:14

Everything we strive for seems so pointless in light of the end of this earthly life. I think nothing matters in this world except leading others to a saving knowledge of Jesus. I had an idea in my mind when I was young, but it was never part of God’s plan for me. The harder I strived for it, the further away it got, until finally we fell off the cliff. We had to hit the bottom of the ravine to be lifted back up, but not back to where we had been.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts”.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

To a higher place. The place we had been meant to be all along, if only we had been FIRST, seeking the kingdom of God and His righteousness as the Bible instructs in Matthew 6:33. Instead we were walking along like these robotic people that followed the way we thought we should go. The way everyone before us had gone.

God’s love is poured out in the Bible chapter by chapter, verse by verse, so we might understand and accept that His intentions for us are as unique as a snowflake and as extravagant as an ocean sunset.

-Gwen Smith | Proverbs 31 Ministries

God created each of us for a specific purpose and only we can fulfill that purpose for His glory. There is no need to try to be like someone else.

“I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands but the one who receives it”.

-Revelation 2:17

It’s taken years, and many painful, tearful days, and lots of battle scars, but I finally see we were never meant to have the perfect life, the perfect marriage, the perfect jobs, the perfect house, with the perfectly maintained yard, and the perfect vehicles, and the perfectly clean & tidy home and garage, going to the perfect church, with the perfectly popular kids who excel in all they attempt (and they attempt it all because they are perfect), and I stay at home and cook the perfect meals, and I am perfectly organized in my schedule, having all things clean, stocked, and provided. IT’S NOT ABOUT US!!! It’s about Jesus! We are here, we are saved, but we are imperfect in EVERY WAY, and we are supposed to be a light in the darkness. Light for the lost and broken people. We are why Jesus came. He didn’t come for the “perfect” people. He came for the broken, scarred, and hopeless. He is Hope, and He came that we can have hope, and we can offer hope to those like us… broken, but still here. We are only here for a small sliver of time. We don’t have much of an opportunity to make a dent in billions of lost people in this world. We must share the good news of Jesus with great haste. People are dying and slipping off into Hell all around us… and we dare to worry about OUR “problems”??? We are destined for Heaven! Everything else here is just gravy! I have this vision of passing through because that’s really all we are doing… passing through… and my arms are outstretched, and I am scooping up as many lost people as I can on my way through and bringing them with me to Heaven. That is why I am here. Not to “succeed” by the world’s standard of success.

It has not been easy to come to this understanding, and as I come into the realization of it, all I can do is think of my 3 sons. I didn’t teach them that. I spent their childhood trying to accomplish goals and “get there” in life. I taught them about Jesus, and they have all made a profession of faith, but I didn’t teach them that Jesus, a real & rich relationship with Jesus, and furthering His Kingdom is ALL that matters. Yes, we have to have certain things to survive, but we don’t have to accumulate “stuff”. We don’t have to try and “keep up” with others. Our kids can learn that what is important to some people doesn’t have to be important to us. We have to know what is important, and that is eternity.

I have fought a long, hard, exhausting battle to get here. I have been down so far that I thought I was defeated. It appeared I would not be able to overcome the attacks of the devil. He fought hard against me and my family. He has pulled off schemes I never dreamed possible… BUT GOD never gave up on me. We are not defeated, and if it took this “mess” to get me to understand, I’m am grateful for every last “failure”.

Fully, 100 percent chosen and fully, 100 percent known. Every good and bad thing… known! It didn’t keep Him from giving His all for us, and He still keeps giving. Many can’t know the power of this sacred privilege until they struggle enough in life to understand their need for it.

-Mike Colaw

He has restored, and is continuing to restore what was lost through the broken relationships, the moves, the disappointments, and the perceived failures. He has given us a testimony while we were busy making plans for our life. If only I had realized this sooner, a lot of pain could have been avoided, a lot less people would have been hurt, a lot of regrets wouldn’t exist… but I have to believe He is going to use it all for good (Romans 8:28). There’s no room for bitterness, resentment, anger, jealousy, regrets, or anything like that in a heart for Christ.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

-Ephesians 4:31

Thank You, Jesus, for allowing me to be teachable. I know I still have much to learn.

You’re making me like You

Clothing me in white

Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride …

Free of all her guilt

And rid of all her shame

And known by her true name

And that’s why I sing …

Your praise will ever be on my lips

-Bethel Music | Ever Be