Update: June 22, 2018

D and C is done, and to my surprise, the doctor came to me beaming as I woke up from the anesthesia. He said he was almost 100% certain all was benign! He feels sure there is absolutely no cancer. I cannot say thank You enough, Lord. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You. I want to live. You have good plans for me. You have good plans for my boys. Your plans are still to prosper. You have not forgotten us. In Jesus’ name I claim Your promises. Amen.

On June 7, 2018 I walked out of the doctor’s office with a new perspective. The wind was gently blowing on my face, but it was a hot, hot heat. It felt different than I had ever felt the summer breeze. Everything looked different. I had just received some test results that made me extremely uncomfortable. A more invasive test is necessary to find out the seriousness of this issue. It’s been less than 24 hours, and I have gone through every possible scenario my mind could imagine – at least a bazillion times.

Since the initial shock, my thoughts are a bit skewed. Songs I hear on the radio are so stupid. My previous concerns are stupid. Daily inconveniences are stupid. Memes are stupid. Facebook posts are stupid. Caring about my appearance is stupid. Seriously, what matters when facing the threat of a devastating diagnosis? And why won’t the stupid scheduling nurse call me back to schedule the procedure? Does she not realize my actual life is on hold waiting for her to finish her morning coffee, or chit chat about her stupid day off yesterday?? For mercy’s sake- call me back!

So I am trying my best to believe God is always good. I know He is. BELIEVE it, Courtney. I am reciting over and over – “I trust in You”. I do.

God, Help me trust You more. Make me brave, fearless, confident. I need You. I am not worried about myself, physically or mentally. My boys, God. Your boys that You gave me – you know the ones – they need me. You said I was the exact mother they needed. When they were little and I constantly felt like such a gigantic failure, and wished so bad that I could be better for them, You always reminded me that I was just what they needed. I have held on to that for the past 21 years. You said they needed ME. You said that, God. Don’t take me away from them yet. When they are old, and grown, and on their own, I’ll be glad to go, but please not now. I’ll go through whatever you see fit, but don’t make them suffer the loss of me. Sure, Jimmy is great. He is great at being Jimmy. He is not great at being me. You totally get that, right. You see that?

I need my perspective to change from victim to warrior, like right now. Only, not a front line warrior – the battle is the Lord’s (2 Chronicles 20:15). He will fight for me, I need only to be still (Exodus 14:14). For me, being a warrior means giving up control, and fully trusting in God. Help me, Lord. I am nothing good without You.

I give You thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart; before the gods I sing Your praise; I bow down toward Your holy temple and give thanks to Your name for Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness, for You have exalted above all things Your name and Your word. On the day I called, You answered me; my strength of soul You increased. All the kings of the earth shall give You thanks, O Lord , for they have heard the words of Your mouth, and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord , for great is the glory of the Lord. For though the Lord is high, He regards the lowly, but the haughty He knows from afar. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of Your hands.
Psalms 138:1‭-‬8 ESV