We all have a story to tell. Some are of great success and some are of great loss. Sorrow filled stories eat me up. I feel guilty and unworthy when I read the story of unimaginable and incomprehensible sadness. Loss. Grief. Like Kara Tippets. She took her diagnosis and she accepted her fate… but she didn’t want to leave her babies. I would have felt the same way. She describes it best when she said it felt as if she was at a party, and her father asked her to leave early. She didn’t want to go. But she did go. She had to go. It hurts. It hurt her husband and her precious children. They had to watch her go, little by little, each day. I think a sudden death would be so much more merciful for all involved, but Kara wanted to see the beauty in the suffering. She wanted to make each moment count. She wanted to cherish the “mundane”. Her blog was originally started to chronicle her faith and motherhood journey. Mundane Faithfulness. Catchy. Ironic. It became her whole thing… quantity over quality. Finding the priceless treasure in the “small” things and realizing they were the big things. WHY CANT WE DO THAT BEFORE DEATH STARES US DOWN??? It seems Kara was trying to do that, and then she was brought to the full meaning of it. I can’t even handle the irony of her beautifully gut-wrenching story. I am broken by it.

I am not a book reader. I want to be, so I will sometimes buy books that seem like they would be life changing if I would just open them… but I usually never do. In the past few weeks though, I have bought 2 books that have companion Bible studies, and I have finished them both. It was quite an accomplishment for me. I did gain some wonderful insight and I have made some incredible breakthroughs. But then I come across stories like Mrs. Tippets, and I’m like… Wait. WHO CARES about my “breakthrough”??? God, have mercy on me, please. If I can’t learn to let go of my past, let go of what I have “lost”, let go of what other people think of me, let go of whatever ridiculous fantasy I had in my head about what my life would be like, and just be thankful for the life I have after hearing a story like this, then no book, or companion Bible study, or anything else is ever going to change my selfish, entitled heart.

Oh, Jesus, please have mercy on me. I pray that You would let me see that every single day is a precious and priceless gift that You give. It’s like the manna that was provided to the Israelites though – we can’t get back what was given yesterday, and we can’t long for what You will give us tomorrow. We only have this day’s blessings to enjoy.

UPDATE: As I completed The Longing In Me Bible study by Sheila Walsh today, I realized it did slightly change my heart. I was reminded that this life is not about me at all… it’s about my Father in heaven, that although has no need, absolutely DESIRES a relationship with me. That is all He wants. He designed every detail of my life to draw me into a real and personal relationship with Him. Why? Just because He delights in me. That is hard for me to comprehend considering the way I view myself, but it’s true, according to the Bible. I believe the Bible, so I have to believe God delights in me. Actually, He hotly pursues me at all costs.

My story is mine, and everyone else’s story is theirs. God’s sovereignty decides that. Nothing else. He has His perfect reasons. We don’t need to know why some suffer greatly, and some don’t. We just need to trust in the all knowing One. He is always good.