I love the “me; also me” memes. I find myself laughing at just about every one of them. I laugh because I can relate to them so well. I am so complex, and I know I am not alone. I think a lot of people would identify with being “complex”, because that is how our Creator designed us. On any given day, I go through a full range of emotions. It can be exhausting.

I was talking to a friend recently that I view as a happy, well rounded, successful person. They told me that I need to wake up each day expecting great things. It really hit me, because that is something I don’t usually do. I normally wake up and view each day as something I have to get through. I began telling my friend all the reasons why someone may not have a positive outlook all the time, as if I was trying to convince them that a person can’t choose to be positive. Almost immediately after our conversation, I started over-analyzing (shocker). I remembered that my family and I began this #speaklife campaign last year. There are many Bible verses that mention speaking positively, and how the tongue is very powerful. The one that has been our family verse is Deuteronomy 30: 19:

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live…

I have been preaching “choose life” for over a year. I have been using the hashtag, and telling my boys to declare what they want to see; call what they want into existence. During that discussion with my friend, it’s like I had forgotten all about that.

So it led me to this… I am not all one way. Jimmy says I like to put everything in a box… and I do… but I can’t be put in one myself. Sometimes I believe God for the impossible. I have personally experienced Him move mountains, and part seas in my life. I will tell anyone of His marvelous works, and the wonders He is capable of. The next minute, I may question His very existence. I believe wholeheartedly that God sent Jesus to die for me to save me from hell, yet I am constantly questioning His love for me. How is that possible? Sometimes I am very positive, and have a well spring of hope intensely bubbling within me. I am encouraging to others, spreading that hope to all those around me, but sometimes, I am extremely negative, and I find myself looking forward to finishing this “race”. I am very controlling, but I want to be controlled a little. I want to be independent, but I also want to be led. I am confident, but very insecure about every bit of myself. I sometimes think I am the best mom ever, then I question if I should have even had children because I feel like I am screwing them up beyond repair. I am a great wife, always putting my husband above myself, or I am the most selfish wife ever. I want my parents to let me be an adult, but I lean on them for support way too much. I am spoiled rotten, but usually put what I want last on the list. I am self-serving, but care about others feelings above my own. I want to be quiet and reserved, but I always end up spilling way too much of the truth about my life & my feelings… which will abruptly change in just a quick minute.

This also applies to writing. I have known I need to write for quite some time now, but I am so uncomfortable with being vulnerable, especially in the cyber world. I mean, what if I write something for the world to see, and then I don’t feel that way anymore? Just the thought of that gives me anxiety, which I am in constant struggle with… but, I am also fearless.

I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex! Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking. It simply amazes me to think about it! How thoroughly you know me, Lord!

Psalms 139:14 TPT